


For the Love of Lard

by orphan_account



Category: Have I Got News For You RPF
Genre: Crack, Humor, Inanimate Objects, Jealousy, Love Triangle, M/M, Other, Unrequited Love, sentience in things that should not be sentient
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-01
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-27 20:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/299921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is it possible for a tub of lard not only to feel, but to love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the Love of Lard

**Author's Note:**

> **All publicly recognisable persons, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners and are fictional. The author is in no way associated with said person being depicted. Any resemblance is purely coincidental. This is not true in any way.**
> 
> I wrote this forever ago, mainly because it made me laugh. I'm so sorry. Based on the June 4th 1993 episode. You know the one.

"Paul?"

"Hmm…"

"Paul, the lard is watching me." Paul sighed and opened his eyes to look over to the door. The night had been tough - he'd had to do all the work on his side, the lard having been unresponsive to his prompts. And then Angus had given him the lard afterwards, making a massive joke out of it. Ian had been pleasant about it though, as always.

"Congratulations to both of you." He had offered a hand to both Paul and the tub of lard, and Paul had shaken it. The lard, being an inanimate object, did not. He'd gone to his dressing room after that, Tony had arrived and the lard had been forgotten for a while, until Tony had prompted him to take it back with him. He'd put the lard in the fridge when he'd gotten home with Tony, and then had fucked the other man in the bedroom, finally relaxing him. Now he just wanted to sleep.

"What the hell is it doing there?" The tub of lard was at the open door, as if it was looking into the room. He could almost swear he could feel jealousy coming off it. Tony was tugging on his arm now, looking more freaked out than Paul felt - today had been a bizarre day already, why wouldn't the tub of lard be jealous of Tony? It would make sense.

"What should we do?" Paul shrugged and went back under the covers.

"Leave it. I wish I hadn't taken whatever it was I took today." He heard Tony shift behind him, and then felt his weight against his back as he drifted off.

~

The tub of lard was not pleased with its circumstances. Its first memory was of the sudden flash of lights, and something it knew as "applause". It suddenly realised what had happened - it remembered the factory, where its mother had told it to do it proud, to be an important tub of lard to somebody, some day, before going along the belts to the boxes. And here it was, but this wasn't the supermarket, this was somewhere else.

"And so as his replacement, liable to give the same performance and infused with many of the same qualities, we're delighted to welcome a tub of lard." It had heard the applause and felt the human next to it look at them. Over the course of time it realised this human was Paul, the person it was competing with - what for? The lard thought. Is this what my mother meant when she said that I needed to be important?

It had known about the news footage - it didn't know how but it did - it couldn't say anything and yet Paul had picked up on the fact it had said it was the M5. In fact, while the other one - balding one - had called him tubby, he had defended him, saying that it was "Mr Lard to you". Over the course of the - whatever it was doing - it had grown attached to Paul. It had noticed the looks of the other-other one, the one with the floppy hair, and it didn't like it. It liked Paul, and it didn't want to share.

It was glad when Paul took it home, glad that it meant something to someone. It wasn't happy with the other one being all over Paul, and it had come to the bedroom to tell them as such, but it couldn't. It realised it had fallen for Paul, and maybe it was unfair to expect a man to love a tub of lard but couldn't he try? It would never ask for anything, it would do anything for him.

The tub of lard decided it was time to take action. It wouldn't allow the other one to have Paul all to himself.

~

Paul woke up the next morning, to find Tony curled up next to him and the tub of lard smack bang in the middle of them. He looked at the tub and he could swear it was almost trying to tell him something. He shook his head and got out of bed, deciding he'd need some coffee first.

As he was boiling up the water, he could hear Tony suddenly shriek, and he rolled his eyes.

"Paul, the lard's gotten in bed!"

It was going to be a long day.


End file.
